I hate that many of my posts are solemn and yet I can't lie, i'm in a slight bit of mourning. A marriage fallen apart before it even began. A friend not knowing what to say with a dead roommate. Are there even words?
And I'm anxious. The load for this summer is a far bit more crucial than last. Its up to us and not up to us all at the same time. So much more rides on our shoulders and I.... I don't even know if I can really offer anything of worth. I doubt my capabilities, I don't think they are what I thought they were. If I face plant, the students will have to pay. It makes my stomach turn and wedges in the splinter that maybe friendship with Marshall was ever my only redeeming quality at all last summer. Any summer.
I'd add that an alarming number of my friends almost fell off of a mountain this week but you know what? I can't even lament about that because God's goodness only shone more brightly throughout all of it. Frankly I'd offend more by being anxious about them than not.
Besides. He caught them. The only thing I can really hold on to is that He'll catch me too. Even if my risk is far, far less.
The sunday school answers are piling through my head and though sometimes they offer wisdom, today they're only making transparency more impossible. The disclaimers and eggshells are piling upon themselves, putting a veil on my vision. I can't see anything.
Of course, then again, sometimes the only way to get a horse out of a fire is to blindfold it.
"Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way."
--Hosea 2:6
"It makes my stomach turn and wedges in the splinter that maybe friendship with Marshall was ever my only redeeming quality at all last summer" <---Fail. Not true. At all.
ReplyDeleteBut I totally understand the feeling of everything falling apart and doubting yourself. Been there, done that. It's hard for me to remember that I'm not the one whose capabilities we're relying on. And we can't discount God so easily.
I love you. I hope you get stuff sorted. And you know, I'm always just a phone call away. :)
You are beautiful. In every aspect. And Casye's right, you have so many more redeeming qualities. You've been the biggest blessing to me through everything going on, now and in the past.
ReplyDeleteSo... that's about all. <3
Oh goodness do I know where you are coming from. We should have coffee together lots this summer. And just be real. Deal? Deal.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. Marshall just compliments your awesomeness. Really and truly, I love you for who you are. And you're right you can't do it all, and neither can I. Doesn't mean I won't have the tendancy to feel like all the weights on my shoulders, but I think if we share it, we'll both be better off. :) I really can't begin to express how alike we are, if I had the time and but effort forth to write out the truth about what I'm feeling about life like you do, it'd sound a lot alike. (you help encourage me that I'm not alone and usually will end on an optimistic note)
So yes, coffee often, I think would be worth the money. :) I love you.