He's taken everything. My passions have been fizzled and downsized, compacted into his potential and stolen from my journal pages. The last of them was ripped from my fingertips and devoured in an instant. And at last I've found that I've offered nothing. Not in passion. Not in friendship. Not in loving.
Even my horse hated me after trail riding because I was too heavy for him. I'm not exaggerating. The poor thing was exhausted.
My burdensome nature becomes even more so as I sit and stare at the old construction paper black ahead. The last of me's been finally broken apart but I'd die if anyone knew. If anyone knew they'd want to help me. They wont understand what their getting into. A vicious cycle of me admitting my faults, receiving encouragement, and vowing to do better and not be such an insecure pest who needs constant affirmation, thus cycling into vowing not to call myself an insecure pest so they wont have to hold me up because of that, too.All this vowing is exhausting, and my neediness is becoming more pin-like as the days progress.
The only way I can describe the war inside me is a shadow of the nights when i sat in the shower trying not to engrave the worthlessness in a way that would leave nasty scars. A hatred blacker than most lies in wait, minus the urge to draw blood. I haven't felt like this for a long time, the disclaimers are shreaking through my thoughts, and the only thing I know is that in the morning I'll be ashamed of myself for writing this post at all. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
It crawls up my shoulder blades and curves into a sharp ball of ice, desperately repelling Your love. I flinch at Your touch because of so many things. Because of what I've let myself become. Because I can't control my heart's murmurings. Because You shouldn't have to be fighting for me, all the time. Because I still cost You so much. I'm torn in two. part of me is begging for You, starving, needing to feel Your arms cradling me more than the breaths I take. And part of me is fighting, hiding, clawing, refusing Your warmth.
I don't know where to go from here.
Honey, I can't begin to understand what you're going through. I wish I could take all those horrible thoughts and feelings and throw them to the bottom of the ocean for you. I've never thought you a burden, or a pest, or needy. You have given me words of wisdom (thank you for the beautiful comment, btw) and an ear for all my crazy dronings-on, and many laughs and smiles. God doesn't think any of these things about you, and He's a bajillion times crazier in love with you than me (even though I love you a LOT!)!
ReplyDelete"Love is patient, love is kind . . . is not provoked, does not keep a record of wrongs . . . bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
"So I discover this principle: when I want to do good, evil is with me. For in my inner self I joyfully agree with God's law. But I see a different law in the parts of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and taking me prisoner to the law of sin in the parts of my body. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" -Romans 7:21-25
Aaaand I don't have room for them, but Psalm 18 and 22. Very powerful, at least to me.
Just thought I would encourage you because you are such an encouragement to me. I love you; never ever EVER forget that. :)
You are one of my favourite people in the world; don't you ever think otherwise. I love you. It's never too late at night for you to call, if you want to.
ReplyDelete*HUGS*