And.

How many character flaws are one too many? one? 10? a few? 7 x 70?

a few days back I journeyed through the realities of my flesh, reliving the grief of it all and how I still have a hard time believing my actions. I still maintain that I am the worst.

And.

"And" has been extending itself around me, splintering my looking glass to reveal depravity much more close by than I imagined. I don't wish to whisper behind shaded hands or point fingertips in certain directions. But as I pick up a triangle shard and try to see where it fit when the whole piece was still together, I slam my eyes shut in response to the cruelty I've just witnessed.

Though it's probably surprising, and I couldn't blame you if it was, I actually do make a special effort to make sure I am not becoming a man-hater. I know those girls and I don't like them. Idealism is killing their gardens, and they only spread fuel to the hidden fire. But after searching every recess of excuse I cannot locate any justification. One of my dearest friends has become a monster and I can't help but to mourn.

My generation of Christian men are bidding to their own destruction. I don't lose count of brothers who have withstood all and maintained integrity--I know them and keep their victories close in view, and their friendship closer. But after having attended a high school that is now located in whats called "a low income area," I'm bewildered. I have been treated with more kindness there than I ever have here. Explain to me why a homosexual theatre teacher who recently quit smoking, an italian director with a sailor's mouth, a plethora of 16 and 18 year olds, and a couple of potheads have earned my trust moreso than the textbook cases of missions majors with hearts for Africa? Truly, it is they who never knew Christ that have treated me with more respect and genuine chivalry than any Bible major who felt obligated to open a door. I have seen far more unselfishness in that area of society than I ever have in my own sunday school class, and at times my own ministry team.

How could you?

How could you take a venom and strain it over such a long period of time? In fact, my own pathologically lying ex-boyfriend never did something to that degree. A trust I never owned has been snapped in half, and its the most unexpected who's to blame.

And.

I have no right to withdraw forgiveness, for it's true that I've been vindicated of far worse. I'm seeing "and" in one of it's more horrible senses of the word, with the failings and outright maliciousness of humanity unfolding right next door. That even in the world of the redeemed, the flesh can sometimes appear with a vengeance and leave a ringing in our ears.

My flesh is truly deplorable. And. other's are truly deplorable too.