oh my gosh.
oh my GOSH.
My hands are working now. but not of my own accord.
The pieces of the pie are all coming together now.
a Lifetime consumed by effort.
A heart that is heavy for a friend who could've had so much better.
No answers, no conclusions.
Running through fat european pigeons.
I GET it.
God is.....amazing.
I'm not sure I've ever been able to understand temptation until I've finally gotten to the point where I've reaized with my entire self that i was fighting an uphill battle and accepted defeat in the nature and sense of my will power.
"If you love me, you will do what I command."
So if i was struggling with temptation, and stuck in a particular sin, the answer was to suck it up. we are a bunch of babies. grow up. take responsibility. do something about it.
shape up. stand up straight. shoulders back. take your vitamins. do your homework. oh, what. now your crying?!
God would defeat this tempation in me. He would give me an escape to stand up under by strengthening my will power.
yea. except NOT.
Dont you see? i had to accept defeat. I had to give up if i wanted to end up getting anywhere.
only God can make a detour through a dead end. after a dead end.
I know you guys think I'm nuts but you have to understand that I'm extremely excited about this.
Abide.
oh. its like gardenias on my nose. mmmm.
"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, niether can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine. you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
Every time I allow myself to put fear between me and my first Love, its bad news. I wont let myself get close anymore. I can't be transparent before him anymore. I start refusing to be vulnerable. Abiding is too intimate. Too much. I am sure that if I abide, He will leave me behind.
and so me and willpower join hands again, hoping to bring something to make me presentable.
I begin living in my condition, instead of my position. my position, where I'm meant to be. where i am.
Abide.
but to conquer anything the answer isn't to grit my teeth and press on. Its simply to remember who I'm a part of. Who's my everything.
Because then? then it doesn't become about effort. about avoiding something with bad consequences. Its about grief.
He grieves.
"Oh, friend. you could have had so much better."
And a love like stephanie keevers.
"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Abide in my love."
Acting on a response to love.
So i have to live with arms wide open. Love with no limits. Fail like I'm human. And abide. be faithful. It will help me, whenever i do end up running through the stupid pigeons.
oh goodness. abide has become a whole 'nother door to walk through now. I'm doin it.
coming?
"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."
John 15:4,5,9, 11
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