"Oh Melinda. You've killed your heart.
You've been walking on eggshells for so long that you've become paralyzed. You are so cracked with indecision and fear that you can't take the first step forward.
Who's drivin' this thing, anyway? Don't you know? Haven't you heard?
You don't have to walk on eggshells anymore.
Even as you write this you're scared. Because people will see this and think you're selfish. Even now, you point the menacing finger of selfishness at yourself. How does someone go on a trip to Montrose and focus inward? ... You can't help people if you're too afraid to move.
You can't feel for other people if you've killed your heart away.
God can use you. But you have to let go first.
The first step for you isn't gratefulness. It's obedience."
I went on a trip to Houston last summer. It was life changing. We wrote these letters to ourselves and I just recieved mine back.
I must keep speaking in kindness. It's all I have.
I have to stop killing my heart. scraped knees are a part of the bargain.
I have to be obedient.
I want to live in Agape.
I got my letter that day and I had just been up at church. Kinda in a blah mood because it had been one of the first times I had been up at church since Ryan had left, so I was feeling sad and kinda sorry for myself. As I shuffled through the mail I saw there was one from the student ministry, my mind raced of what it could be about or who from. As I opened the seemingly regular "Underground" card my eyes welled up with tears. I saw a little slip of paper tucked away inside realizing what it was. I just sat on my bed with an overwhelming feeling of... reality, I think. I began to read the note from Kay and it made me smile to try and remember what I had wrote. Then I started reading the letter to myself, slower than I usually read, to really try and go back into the state of mind that I had been on the trip. It shook me up and brought me back to reality. I think I'll post it to my blog someday in the near future. It was refreshing, challenging, encouraging, and loving all at the same time. I knew that dispite my thoughts of: you'll get through this just fine, you'll miss them, but you know God still has plans for you, don't worry you'll see them again, and such... that those thoughts were just surface trying to burry away my true feelings, and letting myself realize what a daily/weekly impact that they had been having on my life and really having joy in knowing that God had great things in store. That letter let me feel and also let the hope and joy set in. It was not only a letter from me but also I felt a letter from God because the timing was perfect. Suprised? Not really. I mean, God is always going to be on top of things when we feel like there's no controlling what's going on.
ReplyDeleteWell now that I've wrote an essay to you not really saying much, I'm going to go to bed. Thanks for writing this, I was wondering if anyone else had thought that letter to themselves had been encouraging or even a bit of a wake up call. I love you.