Academic probation.
Those words aren't supposed to apply to me. They perfume with scents of utter, complete failure. I'm a good student. I followed the catalog. I gave to my schoolwork until I couldn't sleep anymore. I've risked panic attacks, nervous breakdowns, shame, further weight gain, held jobs on the line. But none of it matters. I've given all I can give, and its still not enough. It was never enough. My entire major, all my passions, turned out to be a big. fat. joke.
I don't know if I'll student teach this year.
I don't know if I'll graduate.
Worse than that, I surely wont procure a GPA that will catch an employer's eye, in a market thats already crowded. I'm hanging in the balance.
May.
I may slide by, on the skin of my teeth. I may fail and have to graduate even later, experiencing the disappointment even deeper as my friends go live out their lives. I never got a warning. The people paid to pay attention didn't. May, may, may, may. This may is so incredibly frustrating, paralyzing, debilitating, overwhelming.
I'm blowing things out of proportion. My may could involve my life being in the balance. It could be the may of my family's next meal. It could be the may of having the strength to continue.
I don't know how to describe this heaviness. My parents have invested so much, and I've got nothing to show for it. My teachers have tried to help, and nothing's paid off. And I can't help noticing the fact that if I loved my family, I would have tried harder because of their sacrifice.
So now I have to do the thing that I hate doing more than most things.
I have to rely.
I have to resist the urge to pay back the friends who have loved on me.
I have to let my parents forgive me.
I have to consent to be loved by my Father.
I'm not trying to be self-righteous in any spectrum. I allow both pride and shame to mix together and shape a barrier around certain vulnerabilities, insisting I can take care of myself.
All my "mays" are in His hands now.
First of all, don't dare to think that if you loved your family...
ReplyDeleteYou DO love your family. That doesn't matter in how hard you try. Sometimes we can love more fiercely than humanly possible, and we still fail. Is it because we don't love enough? Not at all, it's simply because we are human.
And you have so much to show for all the investments. Your willingness to love others and even respect them when they least deserve it. Your willingness to drop everything because on of us is having a breakdown. That says a lot. I would bet the rest of my life that your parents could name hundreds more things about you that have been worth the investment.