You are the only exception.

Heart.

Admit it. when you see the word simply stand by itself, you think of Captain Planet. You know its true.

That said, I was definitely curled into my ancient ugly saggily just-right college couch and my long-worn pink blanket that is the best sick/nap/sad blanket in this entire world. It's almost as good as Garfield Blanket that me and my brothers always fought over, except that Garfield Blanket is more insomnia/homesick blanket, with the occasional fever blanket need thrown in there somewhere. Big Bang Theory was playing, I had nothing I had to do and could verily be wherever I wanted. For once in a long while I was simply....comfortable.

Except something was missing. As the episodes scrolled by my skin stretched into the empty space around me and my couch and my blanket. Strong encompassing arms, not in muscle but in content. A human person, who had stories and passions and mistakes of their own, but in at least a moment wanted to be with me, and blushed at me just wanting to be with them too. A guy, who didn't find me repulsive, didn't mind being close, didn't mind being comfortable. I didn't think it was too much to ask. But instead I only had my couch.

It's the place deep under recollections and disclaimers that I sometimes find myself sinking into in the midst of RomComs and unexpected happenings. I resist the pull because I have met with the dangers of daydreams, but this particular den has its own purpose at times and sometimes I rest in its secrets until I'm ready to roll back to the service again. I could sense my feet sinking beneath the dirt when I sat up slowly with winky eyes. A new stone had weighted itself in my heart-place. The last thing I wish is to chase after relationships and set it on a shelf as my only need, settling for nothing less than fantasy and perfection. Conversely, its true that I can't ignore my initial desires by suffocating them, stabbing them, pummeling them, killing them. It's not what you desire necessarily: its where you fulfill them.

Either way, the whisperings in my heart place faded to wisps of smoke as the pull grew stronger and the stone heavier. A new fear settled in place of the voices. Should I actually open the gift of what I desired...perhaps I would be prone to remove my satisfaction and place it there. My heart place reached its fingers across Home, tracing the outlines of my Love. Truly, losing Him would be losing Life. My most intimate companion, my everything...and like never before, in that moment, I understood how much I wanted Him. How I longed for Him. How I loved Him. And couldn't stand for anything to get between that.

None of it has anything to do with learning about dating or marital wisdom. It has nothing to do with realizing something. It has nothing to do with eye opening experiences, or progressing to another stage, or discarding an idea or desire. I still desire what I did before. Its just that I am in this place where He alone has the keys to my heart places. Instead of wanting Him because He has comforted me in some way, or in reaction to something He did, I'm simply captivated by Himself. I'm in rapture. He is my exception. In all matters of the heart, He is where my heart is.

Real Agape.

Heart.

On the same and opposite token, I went to see Saved the Musical when my sinkhole of secrets and occasionally ridiculous feelings came to the surface for a breath of fresh air. I love the Saved storyline in itself, because much like the jagged scars that turn white in the sunlight, it reminds me that I'm real, and others are quite real as well. It's not everything, and in its not-everything-ness it is more real, because it doesn't have to be taken apart and inspected. Is some of it wrong? Ok then. It's wrong. Not the end of the world. Did some of it still open up a perspective to you? Great. It really can be both. And as the lights came up and I picked up my jacket I realized how often I think that people are one dimensional. People are people. They change, they love, they hate, they grow, they make mistakes, they breathe, whether they fit my paradigm or not. HLG really doesn't deserve all the flack I give it, but the paradigms still squeeze the air out of me now and then. Even if we identify people as saved or lost or stumbling or thriving--even in a compassionate fashion-- and decide where to act from there... the fact of the matter is that people are people, with just as much heart as you or me, and they are not one dimensional. Sometimes identification doesn't need to come before action, and sometimes neither are necessary at all.

Heart. both the micro and the macro level are important. Scrutiny is not everything. Don't spend so much time trying to figure out what's wrong with a person until you spend time trying to figure out what's wrong with a person. Concern trumps analysis.

*picking up a book on understanding homosexuality through the Christian perspective*

"I want to read this, but I'm afraid it'll just piss me off." -Melinda

"Oh, I can't read it. I know it'll piss me off."-Casye

"Can I ask why?"-Melinda

"Because. It shouldn't be that difficult to be kind. It shouldn't take 300 pages."-Casye

Real Agape.

Heart.

"For love is always patient and kind.

It does not envy. It does not boast.

It is not proud. It is not rude.

It is not self seeking.

It does not easily anger. It keeps not record of wrong.

Loved does not delight in evil.

But rejoices in the Truth.

Love always Protects.

Love always Trusts.

Love always Hopes.

Love always Perseveres."