mmmm.
I drove home in the snow tonight. I actually love doing that.
Have you ever just stood there while its snowing? It's incredible its so...silent. quiet. I wonder if our first christmas was white.
I could feel the whispery flakes falling everywhere. my shoes. my eyelashes. my cheeks. my hair. they felt like tiny crisps of nothing. Little sparkly pinpoints that made no noise at all. I stood there, with nothing but the orangy-blue streetlights to keep me company, finaly able to enjoy the snow without that God-awful chorus ringing in my head. "Snow, Snow, snow snow snow snow sno-oh-ooooh!" "Someone's flat! can you hear the piano!?"
I've done something awful. Its completely unforgiveable.
I always believed something magical would happen on our next White Christmas. And this Christmas Eve, it snowed. exactly as i asked for. a full foot, over night. I woke up the next morning on Christmas, looked at the expanse of pure white blanketing the ground outside my window. And you know what I did?
...nothing.
I've done something terrible. I've grown up. Something I swore I would never do.
And suddenly I want to trade it all. finally being on time to class. finally making the A's and B's I wanted. Finally getting my projects all done, and done well. learning to sacrifice so i could finish what needed to be finish. Being able to please most of the people around me in a tangible way. I've grown up, and its every bit as terrible as I imagined.
It's always terrible when you stop believing in magic.
Poor Natalie had to put up with me all afternoon, shaking my first at traffic and blaming her for getting us lost. Grumbling about everything on the way there and back, and leading her and katie on a wild goose chase through a mall when i had lost a five-dollar bath and body works thing. Sure Life is terrible and wonderful all at once, but when you stop believing in magic it just becomes terrible. Don't try to tell me any different. I know.
When you do--stop believing, that is--then you do awful things, like shove away all of your possibilities, believing they could never happen. You complain all the time, and get scared to hope for anything, even the smallest thing ever. You live in a constant safety net, and never experience anything at all. You drag your friends down, and nitpick and worry about everything that does matter and doesn't matter. You stop believing that God is amazing, and wonderful, and un-contained. Instead you put him in this dusty, dark, musty corner in your mind. You survey the box you've imagined Him in and, taking out a giant, black magic marker, label the box "ordinary God."
what did I tell you? It's terrible.
I may have done the ultra-cliche thing and mailed off my bitterness. But now that I know I'm not in this by myself, maybe I can start to pry my fingers away slowly, one, by one, by one....
Each time i realize that I can respect the people I love, without having to do what THEY think I should.
Brilliant happenings come every day. He's got milliona of tricks up His sleeves. After all, He is the Master of true-to-life fairy tales. And realistic magic. And I'll keep singing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bL0nDrEYDnk
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