Fat cats, panic attacks, and mid-morning realizations.

My cat is standing on my lap demanding that i go to bed. At least someone in this house is up on it. :)
I forgot how much i hate theoretical panic attacks. I got a text that mentioned six vicodin. And i couldn't breathe anymore, and my heart was hammering in my chest, and all I could think about is the fact that I've never had to rush someone to the hospital before and would probaby do more damage than good.
I can't save her all by myself. But I dont know what else to do.
Thank you Jesus for my roommate. Honesty I dont know how i would live without that girl.

Today I remembered that God works on His own timing, and not mine. Actually, God reminded me. I didnt remember all by myself. Even so, i went to a Bible study last night and expected to feel on fire and ended up feeling....the same. The Interns are going through a study and God showed me something profound:
we aren't going to be on fire all the time.
God matures us as His own pace. Even when we demand of ourselves spiritual enightenment and intense effort in a constant anxiety of why we are not as "on fire" as before. Its because thats actually how God works.
Even in my not putting God in a box, I put God in a box.
weird, right?
And yet i still can't be anything but thankful, because somehow God sometimes lets me in on the mystery of what He's doing. its insane. incredible. He's proving Himself as trustworthy, over and over, breaking apart each doubt.
and I don't have that breathless, heart-pounding, amazed sense of awe.
Because not only does He work way beyond our feelings and understandings, but on our perceptions of how He works and expectations of where we should be.
dad gum, is what i say.